I would ask someone to watch The Office with me, but they’d probably get annoyed when they couldn’t hear the show over the sound of my sobbing.

My roommates and I went out for Chinese today, an event which I coined, “The Last Supper.” Can’t believe I’m moving back home in a little over a week. This place has become home. One of my roommates is leaving next year, but the two other guys and I will be living in the same townhouse. So happy that I’ll be living with my best friends again in August.

I can’t sleep.
I’ve been laying in bed crying for the past hour listening to sad music on my iPod.
I don’t want to leave.I don’t want him to leave.
I just want time to stop for a little while.

First off, I’m pretty sure I have the flu. So I missed my 9 a.m. lab that’s only one day a week. I’m missing my math class too. My goal is to make it to my 2 p.m. French class because I have to get our take-home exam that’s due on Monday. Then I called my college and asked if they received my transcript from the community college I went to last year. They said they didn’t. So I called the CC and they said they’ll re-send my transcript…I requested it back in January. And I’m supposed to meet up with my advisor today because I have to schedule classes for next year and I have a hold on my account so I need her approval. So I’m hoping I can just call her and chat about it so I won’t have to go in. And I just accidentally smacked my toe on the side of my table and I think I broke it.

Seriously.
Can today be over with?

Trying really hard to feel comfortable with my body but I’m seriously hating myself lately.

It’s been a month and a half but I’ll never get used to the fact that my Grandmaman is gone.

Forever feeling like I’m not good enough.

It’s so weird to see who cares about you when you’re going through a hard time. When I wrote on Facebook about my grandmaman passing away I didn’t hear from many people I expected to, and I heard from a lot of people who I never thought cared. My ex-boyfriend who I broke up with in May sent me a heart felt text. I hadn’t heard from him since August. Times like these just really make me think about my friends…

Woke up to find out my darling grandmaman passed away this morning.
Heart broken.

It sounds like my grandmaman might not make it through the night. I think I’ll just stay up tonight, and wish I could be next to her.
Spent the whole night crying last night. About everything. About her, about boys that treated me like I was nothing, about friends that turned to strangers, about not knowing what I want to do with my life. I think sometimes a good cry is needed.
My dad tried his best at making me feel better today. We had a movie marathon (spy movies, my favorite) and he ordered pizza for us.
At the beginning of the year I had two people that were close to myself and my family pass away. It taught me a huge lesson; treat people like it’s the last time you’ll ever see them. I went to nearly every one of my grandmaman’s chemo sessions. My mom and I would sit with her for the seven or eight hours that she was there. I’d grab her something to drink when she needed it and we would chat and I would talk to the other cancer patients sitting around us. She was eventually put into a retirement home. She had her own “apartment,” as she didn’t need any help with getting around at that point. She started getting worse and my aunt was always over taking care of her. I knew it was exhausting for her. I told my mom to let her know that I would come take care of grandmaman anytime she wanted to give her a break. My aunt took me up on my offer a few days later during a weekend in September.
My grandmaman and I sat around chatting. She ordered lunch to the room and we ate and I did the dishes afterwards. Her apartment had two balconies. I asked her if she’d like to sit outside, and she nodded. I got her walker for her and helped her outside to her chair. I remember it being sunny with a slight breeze. We both had our legs outstretched touching the railing in front of us looking out over the land.
When my aunt was driving me back to my apartment she asked what we did. I told her about sitting out on the balcony. Her jaw dropped. Apparently in the 6 months that my grandmaman had lived there, she had never sat on the balcony; she had never wanted to.
A day later my grandmaman was put in the hospital and given a week to live. She’s been managing to hold on to life for the past four months.
My family and cousins all visited her the day after Christmas. My mom warned me that she was out of it most days and might not know who I was. The hospice nurse was there and he requested that I come into the room to see if she remembers me. I walked in the room and he asked her, “Marthe, do you know who this is?” She nodded. “Of course I do. That’s my granddaughter, Sarah.”
(I wrote about this before but) That same day I was sitting with her holding her hand. She wasn’t very responsive; her eyes were always opened wide, but it didn’t seem as if she was seeing much. She started speaking French and she asked me if I could understand. I said, “Un peu.” (A little) We sat there for a little while and she put her other hand over mine and said, “Love you pumpkin. Je t’aime, je t’aime.”
Later that night my cousins, sister and I sat around singing French songs to her and to our surprise she started singing along with us. We kept singing the same verses over and over again. I think we were all afraid that if we stopped, we might not be able to see her like this again.
We left that night and I kissed her on the head and whispered that I loved her.
Je t’aime Grandmaman.